You know how some people win the lottery and they are elated, yet at the same time they feel anxious and unsure of their future? This is how I feel; no I didn’t win the lottery, but I did get something I’ve been waiting for for 3 years. We celebrated with champagne and dinner and I couldn’t stop smiling. But underneath that smile there is fear, anxiety, and an overall restlessness. Years ago I used to say I don’t play the lotto because I don’t want to win the lotto; I didn’t want things to change even if some of my life sucked.
First, it was and still can be hard to wrap my head around this good news. Then immediately I felt restless and unsettled and disoriented. I don’t know what I’m going to do with this new gift. It’s going to change my life in good ways, like getting my own place and moving back near my friends, but it also feels confusing. I don’t know how to manage the abundance of it all. I know the unknown is causing me to feel anxious and scared of my future. In addition, I’m scared of the possibilities of the negative changes that may occur. I’ll be turning 50 next year and it feels like a whole new chapter is starting for me, but I don’t know what that looks like.
I guess I have to just cultivate the things I know I want in my life and try to figure out the rest as I move along. The uncertainty of my future and what my life will look like is right there all the time, just following me around as I move through my life. Ugh!
It’s also exciting to be able to begin again.
Stepping out of our comfort zone is something we hear and read on cute little Instagram posts, but when the reality of it comes out of left field it is some scary shit!
Here’s to new beginnings…….
Time to work on my vision board!