You know how some people win the lottery and they are elated, yet at the same time they feel anxious and unsure of their future? This is how I feel; no I didn’t win the lottery, but I did get something I’ve been waiting for for 3 years. We celebrated with champagne and dinner and I couldn’t stop smiling. But underneath that smile there is fear, anxiety, and an overall restlessness. Years ago I used to say I don’t play the lotto because I don’t want to win the lotto; I didn’t want things to change even if some of my life sucked.
First, it was and still can be hard to wrap my head around this good news. Then immediately I felt restless and unsettled and disoriented. I don’t know what I’m going to do with this new gift. It’s going to change my life in good ways, like getting my own place and moving back near my friends, but it also feels confusing. I don’t know how to manage the abundance of it all. I know the unknown is causing me to feel anxious and scared of my future. In addition, I’m scared of the possibilities of the negative changes that may occur. I’ll be turning 50 next year and it feels like a whole new chapter is starting for me, but I don’t know what that looks like.
I guess I have to just cultivate the things I know I want in my life and try to figure out the rest as I move along. The uncertainty of my future and what my life will look like is right there all the time, just following me around as I move through my life. Ugh!
It’s also exciting to be able to begin again.
Stepping out of our comfort zone is something we hear and read on cute little Instagram posts, but when the reality of it comes out of left field it is some scary shit!
Here’s to new beginnings…….
Time to work on my vision board!
“They say you’re a little much for me, You’re a liability
So they pull back, make other plans, I understand
I’m a liability. Lorde: Liability
This is one of Lorde’s new songs from her upcoming album called Melodrama. It is a sad ballad about her first heartbreak. When I listen to this song I feel like it’s about me. I connect with it on every level. Having a mental illness is hard to accept, but what’s hardest is for someone else to accept it. I just started dating and I think this guy has no idea what I’m all about. Is he going to run for the hills when I tell him, if I tell him?
I feel like it’s a deep dark secret that I need to keep until I meet someone I can trust. I fear that they will see me as a liability, and pull back and make other plans. At first they say, “It’s okay I love you,” but they don’t know the truth of what this disorder looks like; they don’t know I could be dancing in the light of the kitchen, or I could be crying and unable to function. When I listen to this song I cry because I know that is what I feel and I know that others will feel that way about me.
I walk around life with a smile on my face, but underneath that smile is my secret. It’s a voice inside my head that says, “You are damaged goods; who will want to live in your storm, dating hasn’t worked out in the past, what makes you think it will now? All the same stuff will eventually happen. You will meet a nice guy and then you will unravel and cross the fine line between excitement and mania. You will feel suffocated. You will feel like you can’t breathe. You will say goodbye and exhale; however in that freedom there is a truth that you are better on your own in order to stay healthy.” But here I go again, giving it another try because I get lonely, yet I’m scared I’ll unravel like pulling a string in a knitted scarf.
I’m going to try it; I owe it to myself to try again. I’m doing things differently this time. Maybe that will make a difference. I hope so.
Wish me luck!