Running, blocking, avoiding, praying, hoping, holding
way too tight. Getting caught up in the negative narcissism and
feeling crazy; being gaslighted and not knowing it. Utter confusion
as to why and how you behave the way you do. Pain hits me hard and long, but you don’t
care because you think from a different mind, not the average norm
Every morsel of kindness and smiles, I held on to along with the hope
I’ve created a space between us. In this space you cannot hurt me anymore,
in this space you are not invited, I am free. You call and I don’t feel like talking to you
in contrast to the past, as an anxious and insecure teenager, when I listened to and waited for that phone to ring. I couldn’t eat,
live, breathe without your call.
You text me and I tell you I don’t feel good and we will speak tomorrow. A few more
brief texts and a goodbye with a “I hope you feel better.” Now this sounds nice right? It is
not; it is manipulation and it used to pull me in and now I was like thanks.
The next day, “I hope you feel better.” And maybe I should bring our daughter to school
for move in day, so it would be less taxing on you since you have to go back in 3 days.”
Wtf??? She said she wants me to take her and you can meet us there. This is the “I’ll
help you out” crap. I saw right through your manipulation and control and said
“No I am bringing her.” “Ok.”
I’ve put you aside in my mind and the space has enabled me to feel freedom from
your usual attempts to feed. You will have to seek it elsewhere, because you’ve stolen so
much of it and I refuse to allow you to be in my life in that capacity anymore.
In this space I return to myself; in this space I live my life on my own; in this space you
are no longer someone to reach out to for help; in this space I am calm; in this space you
are not this giant entity making me crazy; in this space you are small, just a small man
without any superhero extras; you are simply you and you no longer get me.