I’m a Liability

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“They say you’re a little much for me, You’re a liability

So they pull back, make other plans, I understand

I’m a liability. Lorde:  Liability

This is one of Lorde’s new songs from her upcoming album called Melodrama. It is a sad ballad about her first heartbreak. When I listen to this song I feel like it’s about me. I connect with it on every level. Having a mental illness is hard to accept, but what’s hardest is for someone else to accept it. I just started dating and I think this guy has no idea what I’m all about. Is he going to run for the hills when I tell him, if I tell him?

I feel like it’s a deep dark secret that I need to keep until I meet someone I can trust. I fear that they will see me as a liability, and pull back and make other plans. At first they say, “It’s okay I love you,” but they don’t know the truth of what this disorder looks like; they don’t know I could be dancing in the light of the kitchen, or I could be crying and unable to function. When I listen to this song I cry because I know that is what I feel and I know that others will feel that way about me.

I walk around life with a smile on my face, but underneath that smile is my secret. It’s a voice inside my head that says, “You are damaged goods; who will want to live in your storm, dating hasn’t worked out in the past, what makes you think it will now?  All the same stuff will eventually happen. You will meet a nice guy and then you will unravel and cross the fine line between excitement and mania. You will feel suffocated. You will feel like you can’t breathe. You will say goodbye and exhale; however in that freedom there is a truth that you are better on your own in order to stay healthy.”  But here I go again, giving it another try because I get lonely, yet I’m scared I’ll unravel like pulling a string in a knitted scarf.

I’m going to try it; I owe it to myself to try again. I’m doing things differently this time. Maybe that will make a difference. I hope so.

Wish me luck!

 

 

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